for my lil bro...

im not there like i wanna be for u right now but i swear im working on sumthin betta for both of us man. just trust me.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/5216422111e398/

the virtue that is foresight...

today my newfound spiritual advisor Joel Osteen gave an awesome sermon/conversation that really struck a chord with me. i can actually count on him for this. whenever i turn on his lakewood church service @10am on fox(break me off some of that tithing scratch for the free promo joe!) he usual drops some ill gems on me that relates to what turns and twists my life happens to be taking at the time. today his message was tuffin it out thru the ruff times at the moment and keeping ur eyes on the prize. the ends DO justify the means.

having come to the decision that bmore isnt gonna be the place me and my fam make roots and memories, i've begun to feel stagnated. im all but sure my next stop WILL be denver(providing that during my visit i'll be able to find at least five black people within a 5 mile radius of where im staying..lol) but since i'm an adult with both child AND billz, pulling a "papa was a rollin stone" type move and just uprooting AINT an option. this huge step will take conpromise, research, patience and MAJOR planning and while i would normally just grit my teeth and bear it, i want to move NOW, "not now but RIGHT now!"-phife dawg

an awesome life for josh and i, frannie pie, beautiful scenery and the life i've always wanted for me and mines is just waiting for me but i the mean time i gotta deal with:

the beast

a hideous and dispicable creature that oddly has a penchant for sweater vests and sport jackets. gender still yet to be determined. had to cuss her ass out to finally get her off my back so while she now leaves me alone, her mere presence induces me to vomit.

moving outta 1409 eutaw

most of the memories suck but the view is VICIOUS!

goin back to random, CO-habitation for a year..
kinda symbolic tho since i'll more than likely be in the same area i moved to initially when i got to bmore..

my best bud

i want him to come with me. making it happen aint as easy tho. if i like it, HE'd LUV it. and i KNOW the climate out west would be waaay more nurturing that Pg county(IE-the BANE of my existence) luv that kid.

so much to do. probably bout a years worth of worrying, crucial decisions, and mental strain.. but if joel says it'll be aight in the end, i'll be aight.

finally getting a life...

so im doin it. im moving towards settling down. finding, building and making a home for me and mines. this wont be an over night process so its gonna take some patience and foresight but im up for it. as much as i luv this city, this isnt for me. i've wrestled with this for a lil less than a year now. and as much as i luv the city living aspect of bmore, i couldnt truly be happy and have a family here for the long haul. ill spent funds, corrupt and incompetent politicians, awful school system, and a staggering gap between the haves and havenots in this city discourages me to no end. but most of all. the plight of my people in this city is a national disgrace and eyesore. drugs, crime and low hs graduation rates have denegrated the fabric of a people historically strong and proud. North ave, Penn ave, greenmount ave, are just 3 of many streets here that serve as the WORST of what we have to offer as a people. open-air drug markets, prostitution, loitering, muggings, etc are sumthin i simply cannot get used to being around. and what sux the most is since i DO want SOME kinda diversity in my place of residence, in most cases u HAVE to live near these streets if u dont want to live around ALL white folks..

anyways.. i feel great about this decision. bmore has been a place where i've longed to live for SO long, anyone that remotely knows me can vouch for that. so for me to truly survey the city and decide it aint for me thru actually experiencing it, i feel like this chapter in my life can come to a close without regret or hindsight. i've "lived" as most older folks tell u to do to discourage u from gettin too serious in a relationship too early in life, relationships(good and bad), bar scene, party life(shout to jay!), etc but now im ready to have a LIFE.

ps-im in luv.

grown up hip hop.

i luv this vid.
everything from the cinematography
to the style
the women(alicia is perfect)
the pad
the fitz(commons suit and beard is the dopeness, i NEED that look!)
the story(i've LIVED this song AND vid, right ape?)
this year has been awesome for music, thank u kanye. u made it cool to be a
damn grown-up.

"dont let the world change your mind"-maurice

ive always looked at life from the eyes of a naive, innocent child. ignorant to the inevitable let downs, hardships, and tribulations that right next to death and taxes are gaurenteed in life. for so long it served me well.. the take it in stride view i call it.
bad break at work<<<ruff goin witha chick<<<billz bustin me like crazy<<<so on and so on.. basically it was all done to keep a smile on my face and some faux peace in my life. stress and i dont get along too well so instead of deal with it, my function was to work AROUND it to avoid as much as possible till it was UNAVOIDABLE. i think in the last couple of years of my life its been brought to my attention just how self destructive that thinking kan be.
Goin with the flow, just getting by, not wanting to rock the boat, sacrificing my feelings and wants for others has all led to my spirit being dampened and my heart being broken. so many women think that i have no feelings and my heart is as cold as ice. but the truth is, the self inflicted heartbreak that ive endured is greater than ANY break up will ever be.. so much stuff thats happened in MY life hasnt been on MY terms.. this is really the first time in my 28 years that ive truly taken ownership of this self abandonment. its like i've let me down for so long.. ima make it up to myself tho, i have to.

songs of 07'

despite the fact that theres over two months worth of new tunes left to be released this year, including jays' american gangsta joint and nas' nigga album.. after stubling on madlibs "masala" i've been inspired to list teh joints that shook my soul this year.. i'll append when/if needed..

-madlib-masala
-game-why u hate the game
-kanye-i wonder
flashing lights
-coko-endow me
-tpain-buy u a drank remix
-pete rock-we roll
-sa-ra-do me gurl
tracy
and if
sweet sour u
hollywood
-jill scott-crown royal
whenever ur around
-common-southside
-88 keys-milf
-nas-still dreaming
-james pants-ka$h
-9th wonder-saved
-jlive-practice
-consequence-uncle raheim
-50 cent-smile
-timbaland-miscommunication
-prince-somewhere on earth
future baby mama
-mos def-perfect timing
-amy winehouse-take the box
fuck me pumps
in my bed

feelin pretty good...

relieved actually..
God made a way..
billz are paid
broke, but with a LIL cash in my pocket..
got a bangin ass new cam. my first legit one to be exact.
it'll basically be used for taking pics of my shoes, out and about shots
of bmore(which im considering of basing a blog around as well..)
my bud in denver is getting settled. i feel a lil bad for her.
i know how difficult it is starting out in a city where NOW ONE knows ur name(no cheers-o..lol)
i mean and couple that with the fact that shes ONLY 22, and overwheliming is the only word that comes to mind. but if anyone can do it, im sure she can. she has the personality to draw folks to her so she'll be good soon enuff. its so cool seeing post-teen folks begin to find their way and discover themselves.. i feel like i really had no one to advise me and guide me thru that so i try to help and give my advice based off my OWN experiences the best i can..

i feel like im FINALLY in MY element. i always saw myself a city dweller at heart while growing up in PG. Dive bars, ethnic festivals, crack addicted tranny streetwalkers have ALWAYS been more my speed than the faux ebony suburbia that temple hills is.. im meeting people that share my ideologies, values, and interests.. sumthing that i never thought id be able to do years ago. assimilation is a dangerous thing.

lately tho, time has been the ONE comodity that i seem to not have enuff of at all.. seems like im workin ALL the dang time. and by teh tiem i DO get home, im really too tired to invest my mind into anything creative(ie-shoes!) so its imperative that i find a way to exercise my minds eye and stop eyeing this cash so damn much. being around all these artsy fartsies at jo squared dont help at all either...

Limbo sucks..

really want this house..
cant get house till i pay a couple more debts..
then i cant believe i let that cell bill get so damn hi..
reason #4080 i DO NOT NEED TO BE IN NO RELATIONSHIP!
cant have ANY NEW derogatory shit on my credit..
im soo scared the affordable spots in areas i wanna be in will be gone by the time im really ready.
HATE my fuckin job.
stupid menial work.
nasty ass, oddly mannish funky ass boss.
its a blower to com in this bitch daily..
catch 22 is:
if i leave and start some where anew that could have an affect on my home loan app.
living pay to pay cuz of this hi ass rent aint no fun neither.
i luv the place but it aint worth all this. just sooo tired of feeling like, "ina month or two"
fuck gettin ahead, i just wanna catch up..

Taney.. NOT THURGOOD, TANEY!

Man i swear some of my best years and times was easily my tenure @Roger B. Taney in Temple Hills, MD. Everything from my first real girlfriend, Alyson Barnes who i used to meet up with during 6th period Science with Mr. Guinn to slob down in the hallway..lol
To running the hallways on B teams' floor playing a gang tag w/ tim, antonio, lorne and a couple more fools. Memorizing the 50 presidents.. baking cookies in home ec.. making CO2 cars in Woodshop.. memorizing the elements table for Mrs. Mathis class and her getting beat up my james.. Ms. Doss in Flex Spanish.. the denim trench coat w/ the graffiti on it.. canvas reeboks.. green suede reebok classics.. dances at 4th period.. Mr. Watsons' speeches about how to conduct urself as a BLACK MAN!... his bud Mr. Nelson with the 70's suits and muttonchops sideburns.. Mrs. Monks' crazy curves.. Alstons crazy brown hair... Watching Hellen Keller in Ms. Greenes' second period... Watching those lil mini-movies about budgeting and money in Mr. Ragsdales' class... and this..